Campy Supervillain Love
by Mia-Hood
Summary: 60s Batman w/ Adam West & Burt Ward. The supervillains of Gotham are about to finally catch the Caped Crusaders! Or will a lover's quarel ruin everything? Gorshin!Riddler/Meriwether or whoever you prefer!Catwoman


**Campy Supervillain Love**

It was another bright and sunny day in Gotham City as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward return home from a long day of good doing when catastrophe struck.

RING! RING! RING!

"Hello, this is Robin," Dick Grayson, aka the Boy Wonder, spoke into the receiver of the Emergency Batphone. "A robbery? We're on our way, Commissioner!"

"What is it, Robin?" Bruce Wayne, aka that masked defender of justice, Batman, demanded urgently.

"There's been an armed robbery at the Gotham City Jewelers. Two of the city's most priceless pieces of precious gems stolen in one fell swoop!" Dick exclaimed, once again finding himself completely outraged at the new lows criminals could sink to.

"Alright, Robin. To the Batcave!"

And away they dashed.

_**Ten Minutes Later…**_

"We sure are in a pickle this time, Batman." The Boy Wonder muttered, whilst trying once again to free himself from his bonds.

"So it would seem, Robin," the masked crusader replied in a pensive voice, his bonds impossibly intertwined with his sidekicks. _Well, if there's one thing about supervillains, they all know how to tie a damn good knot …_ "But I believe we have the advantage. They gassed us on the way to the Batcave so they still don't know our real identities. Now if I could just –"

The door suddenly burst open to reveal a very familiar green and purple figure.

"Riddler!" The Dynamic Duo exclaimed.

The oh-so-familiar cackle. "How clever, Mr. Wayne! What gave me away?"

"You'll never get away with this, Riddler!" Dick Grayson cried impetuously.

"Oh, I don't intend to, little boy," Riddler replied, twirling his elongated question-mark cane in his purple-gloved hands. "I suspect Batman and the Boy Wonder to be here any instant now. I've left a clear as blue clue for them to follow that will lead them straight into the arms of our –"

"RIDDLER!" A very angry yell suddenly filled the room.

A sinister leather clad figure stormed into the room.

"CATWOMAN!" The Dynamic Duo exclaimed again.

"Yes, dear!" Riddler answered in a sing-song voice, bounding over to greet his fellow supercrook with a wicked grin on his face.

SLAP!

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT! LOOK WHAT YOU"VE DONE TO HECATE!" The feline fiend roared as she held up a soaking wet cat.

Hecate began to meow piteously and Catwoman cradled her precious companion to her with comforting noises spurting from her mouth like purrs.

Still nursing his now red hand marked cheek, the Riddler cried, "What was that for! It's not like it's MY fault that fur-ridden animal drinks from the toilet!"

A fight terrifyingly resembling a lover's quarrel suddenly broke out amongst the two villains as the henceforth unrevealed Batman and Robin could only look on in bewilderment.

Suddenly, small things began to click in the two superheroes minds. The gold ring inlaid with carefully cut emeralds on Riddler's green glove and the matching diamond glinting brightly on Catwoman's clawed hand –

"Holy Matrimony, Batman! They're MARRIED!" The Boy Wonder was so shocked, he forgot himself.

The duo became deathly still and tense as the two supercriminals once more turned their attention to their two kidnapees.

"What was that, boy?" Riddler snapped as he glared daggers at Dick through his thin purple mask.

"Nothing, sir!"

"Oh, no, no, no. I believe I heard you quite clearly," The green suit-clad criminal strode over to face the bound Boy Wonder. Robin tensed with apprehension, aware that he may have thrown everything away just by a slip of the tongue. "You just can't believe that Catwoman would marry me. Well, surprise, surprise!"

Riddler swung his bride into dip and kissed her with a wild kind of joy. Catwoman kissed him back and let out a wonderfully contented purr as they parted.

A gagging sound could be heard from the direction of the Boy Wonder.

Riddler cackled evilly in Robin's face, never for one moment letting go of his wife.

"Well, you'll be over it soon, rich boy, once Batman and Robin dash here to rescue you and your finely fiscal guardian!"

"Yes! Then we'll catch them in our kidnap trap and send them hurtling to a watery grave!" Catwoman sung in. Both supervillains laughed maniacally in each others arms.

Bruce Wayne looked sideways to his ward and whispered gravely, "A pickle, indeed, Robin. A pickle, indeed."

In the main quarters of the United Underworld, intense preparations were underway.

"Penguin! Is your exploding fish trap ready yet!" Riddler yelled, impatient as ever.

"The exploding octopus is in exact position, my finkish friend." The Penguin answered in his gravelly tone.

"Good. And your conniving contraption, Joker?"

"A-okay and ready to go!" Joker bounced up from his position arranging his device on the floor. "My Jumpin'-Jack-In-The-Box is oiled and polished. Oh, doesn't it just bring a SPRING to your step?" Cue signature Joker laugh.

"Good!" Riddler cut him off before Joker's laugh could give him a migraine. "Now all we have to do is wait for the Bat and the Bird to come running to the rescue!"

"We'll show them, darling," Catwoman stated coyly, smiling joyously up at her new husband whose answering grin could have split his face.

A crescendo of quacking, cackling, and generally evil laughter filled the room.

_Yes, life was good…_

"He STILL hasn't come?" Catwoman screeched. "It's been almost three days! They should have found us by now!"

"Patience, Catwoman!" Riddler cried, trying to appease both his wife and his growing restlessness. "I'm sure they'll show up any minute. I've got henchmen patrolling every hour on the hour for the past twenty-four hours. He's BOUND to show up sometime!"

"That's what you said two days ago, Riddler!" She snapped. "It was probably your retarded riddle that threw them off!"

"Now see here! The riddle I sent them was easy pie for the Batman!" He bit back. "If they haven't got here, it's because YOU didn't leave a clear enough trail, you cowardly cat!"

"You should talk, you bungling mollycoddle! You can't even get away with half a crime before giving yourself away! Just like on our honey moon when you had to go and give the man a riddle instead of money!"

"You told me to give the bellboy a tip!"

"Exactly! I told you to TIP the man, not TIP HIM OFF!"

"Well, our honey moon wouldn't have been all that grand anyway, not with that dumb fuzzball curled up underneath my nose!"

"You knew when you married me, I was a package deal. My name is CATWOMAN, for Pete's sake!"

"WELL, THEN, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED YOU."

"WELL, MAYBE, you-you shouldn't have."

The fueding couple came to a stand still.

"Good-bye, Edward."

Without another word, Catwoman placed her stolen 7-carat wedding ring on the table and strode out the door, leaving Riddler to stare after her, both villains feeling the aftershock of the biggest (but by no means the last) argument of their married life.

Riddler attempted to busy himself with their overdue prisoners.

Alternatively tightening and retying their bonds, he muttered to himself, "Well, who needs her anyway? I was doing perfectly fine by myself before I met HER. If SHE thinks it was a mistake to marry me, then fine!"

Stomping purposefully over to the table where his wife's ring lay, Riddler slammed his own ring forcefully on the table.

"To hell with it!"

With that, the master of criminal conundrums stormed out of the room, leaving his prisoners to rejoice in his departure.

For little did he know that, in his blind hurt and childish anger, the Riddler had forgotten to tie one knot.

"And then he said, 'Well, maybe I shouldn't have married you!'" Catwoman wailed into her fiftieth Kleenex.

Poison Ivy made soft, reassuring sounds and patted her friend's back as she dissolved into another fit of crying.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it, Selena," Ivy tried to comfort her friend, handing her another box of Kleenex. "You know how that walking question mark blows off at the mouth. He probably just lost his temper. I've never seen a couple as happy as you two! At least not in our line of work."

"No!" Catwoman cried, lifting her watery, mascara stained eyes up from her tissue to look her supervillain best friend in the eyes. "He's the most honest man I know. He wouldn't say something he didn't mean. He just-He just regrets he married me!" Another set of sobs racked the cat-tailed woman.

Ivy sighed. _This was going to be a long night …_

"And then I say, 'Well, then, maybe I shouldn't have married you!'" The Riddler slurred as he stared dejectedly into his glass.

He wasn't quite sure what it was he was drinking, but he'd been open to any suggestions when Harvey offered him the glass. So he drank it anyway and was about to get as drunk as a rum pot if he didn't stop.

"Hey, Ed, I think you better give me that bottle back …" Harvey 'Two-Face' Dent stated as he tried to swipe his lucky brand of whiskey away from his friend.

"Wasn't that just stupid?" Riddler cried with a drunken little chuckle, completely ignoring his friend's request. "I mean, I said, "Well, maybe I shouldn't have married you!' I said, 'Well, maybe-"

"Okay! I get it Ed! You said, 'Well, maybe I shouldn't have married you!'" Harvey yelled, trying to shake his fellow supercrook out of his funk.

"No, no, no," Riddler slurred, swaying back and forth as he lethargically waved his finger in the air. "I said, 'Well, maybe I shouldn't have married HER!' It would have been horrible if I had married you (hiccup) Harv!"

As the villain once again dissolved into drunken giggles, Harvey sighed.

_This was DEFINITELY going to be a long night…_

Five minutes after Gotham's masked warriors against crime broke loose from their bindings, they realized three things: A) That there were no windows B) That the only way out was through the room that they had learned as prisoners was where the trap was laid for them and C) That the rings Riddler and Catwoman had stolen from the Gotham City Jewelers were still on the table where the bickering couple had left them.

They decided to tackle A) and B) first.

"We'll have to chance it, Robin," The uncaped crusader stated. "There are no other exits."

"I guess you're right, Batman," answered Robin with all his usual invigoration. "But what about the rings?"

"We'll have to take them back to the Gotham Jewelers, of course," Bruce Wayne answered, moving towards the rings as if to scope them up.

"Batman, wait!" Dick Grayson cried suddenly.

His guardian looked inquiringly at him, hand poised above the two rings.

"Don't you think-I mean, do you suppose that the Gotham City Jewelers would accept a – a payment instead of the rings?" The Boy Wonder asked almost timidly.

"Robin, although I would be the last person to break up a marriage just because of a simple misunderstanding, the truth of the matter still remains," Batman answered serenely. "These rings are stolen Gotham City property and as deputized officers against crime, it our duty to return them to their rightful owner."

"I know, Batman, but it just doesn't – I mean, do you remember that time in the Narrows when Clock King placed that bomb upstairs of that seedy bar?" Robin mentioned hopefully.

"Yes, of course."

"Well, why didn't you just let the bomb explode? There was nothing but a gaggle of riffraffs and outlaws in that bar. Why –"

"I believe I understand your point clearly now, Robin, and you're right."

The boy smiled in relief as the two superheroes turned towards the door that would either lead them to freedom or to their end.

Shamus Doolittle lounged languidly on his watch, reading the _Henchman's Guide To Expendability_ to keep busy so he wouldn't fall asleep. Joey Hans had already dozed off in his seat reading an old issue of National Geographic about monasteries in the Himalayas and out of the corner of his eye, Shamus could see Bobby Ringo struggling to keep his eyes open with a copy of _Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus_.

_At the next worker's committee, I'm going to request better reading materials …_

"Hey, Shamus!" Carlos Mountebank motioned for him to come over. "Wanna play some Go Fish?"

Shamus shrugged. "Sure, but let's play with my cards instead. Yours are always so –"

The door to the prisoner's room burst open, its former occupants flying out to face whatever dangers awaited.

"Hey, what are you –"

BAM!

Down went Shamus.

THWACK!

POW!

Then went Bobby and Joey.

"Go get the boss!" Carlos yelled to two henchmen by the exit door before being knocked out with a BAP!

Now, the two henchmen (Jamie Noir and Jack Blanche, respectively) were new at henching, so when Carlos said "Get the boss!" they didn't know which "boss" to get. In the end one ran for the room with Catwoman and one ran to the bar for the Riddler.

"Come on, Ed, you can sleep it off," Harvey said, half supporting, half dragging his black, green, and purple themed superfriend to his room.

"Mr. Riddler! Mr. Riddler!" Jack screamed as he came running.

"What is it, Mr. Blanche?" Harvey questioned.

"It's Wayne and the boy, sir! They're escaping!"

"Damn!" Riddler cried suddenly, springing up from Harvey's arms. With all his effort, he staggered towards the trap room.

When Catwoman entered the trap room, the whole place was in an uproar.

Broken pieces of furniture and glass lay everywhere as Wayne and his ward kept beating off hordes of henchman that had begun to throw themselves at them.

"Get them, you brassy idiots!" Catwoman hollered irascibly, making sure to stay way out of the way of the fight.

Just as suddenly, the Riddler burst unsteadily through the opposite door. Staggering towards the two escapees, Catwoman realized that Riddler was heading straight for the spring to the trap!

"Riddler! Riddler!" Catwoman yelled, shoving through the throng of battered henchmen. "Eddie!"

Just as he was about to stumble onto the spring, Catwoman shoved her husband out of the way, leaving poor Shamus to fall on top of the spring. The henchman catapulted through the window and landed bullseye into the mouth of the octopus that then exploded.

Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson escaped through the now broken window, safe and relatively unhurt.

The same could not be said for the Riddler.

"Eddie, Eddie …"

A soft voice lulled Edward Nigma, aka the Riddler, out of his slumber.

"Wake up, Eddie, wake up…"

Nigma made a small protesting sound before opening his eyes.

The glaring sunlight burned his eyes and he quickly squeezed them shut again. A throbbing began in his head.

"My head hurts like the devil! OW, what the -?" Riddler touched his bruised and bandaged head tenderly. "What happened?"

"Well, in my hurry to stop you from killing yourself, I seem to have run your head right into Pengy's fish bowl." Catwoman replied, soothingly brushing back his hair.

"No wonder I see little fishes swimming around my head …" Riddler groaned, cradling his head in his hands.

"Aw, poor darling," She purred, holding her husband close.

Edward Nigma snuggled close to her, thinking about what a lucky man he was to be her husband, but as he opened his mouth to apologize, a knock came at the door.

"Come in."

With that the Penguin came waddling in, a piece of paper and their wedding rings in his hands.

"I found this in the prisoner's room." Penguin stated, tactfully ignoring the intimacy of the situation he had just entered.

He handed the rings and card to Catwoman and was about to walk out of the room when Riddler stopped him.

"I'm sorry about your fish…" Riddler stated slowly.

"No need for apologies, my finkish friend," Penguin answered good-naturedly, taking his cigarette holder out of his mouth for a minute. "Mr. Noir saved Old Blue Eyes and stuck her in a sink. She's quite well and good. I think I'll give the man a raise."

Penguin left the room quacking.

"I would have thought Wayne and his boy would've taken them. So, who's it from?" He turned to Catwoman, trying his best to move his head as little as possible.

"I don't know, it doesn't say," She answered as she opened the envelope.

Congratulations! It said.

Signed, Batman and Robin.


End file.
